A Manifesto of an Indo-American Youthby two Indo-American Youth, with a
commentary by Sunil Khushalani
[Editor's intro: Sunil D. Khushalani
is a final-year resident in psychiatry
at New York University. He received
his medical degree in Bombay.]
Introduction by Sunil Khushalani:
An anonymous piece of writing landed up in my mailbox and held my attention immediately. The writers claim to be two anonymous young Indian Americans, being brought up 'under two cultures'.
They are probably responding to the expectations of their parents who came here years ago and have tried to raise them according to the 'Indian values and ideals', in America. They are talking about suicide, alcohol, drugs, schizophrenia, violence and above all being depressed.
Their suppressed voices want to reach out, discuss and destigmatize their present condition. Are these 'spoilt kids' who are just being rebellious or do their claims seem valid? At least they need to be commended for being brave enough to start a discussion.
"What Did We Do Wrong?"
Recent suicides among the youth of our Indian-American
community have sparked a myriad of questions from parents
and children alike. We, two Indian-American youths, want
to speak out but are afraid of the stigma associated with
doing so. For this reason, we wish that our names be
withheld. These things need to be said. Movies like Joy
Luck Club and Bhaji on the Beach have begun to tackle
these issues, but it doesn't seem like everyone is aware of
the problems we face growing up under two cultures.
We wish for you to print this manifesto in its
entirety magazine so that we can get our message across.
We want to reiterate the fact that the accounts in the manifesto
are just a few that were easily recollected and proved our point.
Many issues remain hidden. We hope people will use this
as a stepping stone, a starting point to build a better relationship
with their children.
"What did we do wrong?" It is a question frequently asked
by parents when faced with a child who is on the verge of
falling apart. After all, they have struggled all their lives to
make a better life for themselves and their children. They
raised their kids the way they were raised - with strict
Hindu/Indian values and ideals. They put their kids through
the best schools, lived in a safe area, and protected them
from anything that could harm them hoping their children
would be spitting images of themselves; that they would be
successful, respected citizens of this not-so foreign country.
So what went wrong? Why does it seem like their children
now have completely lost sight of what is important in life,
at least what is important to them?
Let me tell you right now - for any of you who has asked
that question above - you do NOT know your child as well
as you think. You see only what you want to see, or maybe
they show you only what they want you to see. Please do
not take offense at anything I am about to say. I do not
mean to attack, but this is never an easy subject to discuss. I
wish to remain anonymous to protect myself and my family
from the ridicule of this ridiculous society (ironic, is it not?).
But that does not matter because I can be any one of your
children. For many years now I have tried to suppress my
feelings of anger, guilt, sorrow, despair and now I choose to
put it all behind me and start over -- wipe the slate clean and
build a new relationship with my parents. But I feel I have
to write this now in hopes that someone will benefit from
the honest outpouring of my soul. I see someone going
through what I went through and it tears me apart inside.
Please keep in mind that this account is just one, it may
not be universal.
There is not one thing we can put our finger on to pinpoint
the problem of what you "did wrong" with us. The biggest
and most prominent problem is the most obvious one - we
are Indian children immersed in America. As far back as I
can remember, those years in elementary school, I was
ashamed of being Indian. I would lie repeatedly to my peers
and even my teachers about what religion I was, what my
middle name was, even what I had had for dinner the night
before. It was a time when being different meant being
made fun of...constantly. Here is where we started to
develop a duality in our lives. Almost a schizophrenia
complex. We lived two completely separate lives.
In school, we tried to blend in as much as possible. We
wanted everyone to like us, so we would talk like them, act
like them, dress like them. We wanted to "fit in". We just
wanted to be kids and have fun at recess. We wanted cake
and chips at our birthday parties, not idli/sambar. We could
not afford the cabbage patch kids or Nikes or designer
clothes so we had to make it all up. We tried to be as
carefree as all the other kids around us.
At home, parents would push us and pressure us to do well.
Often that meant tutorial sessions that ended in violence, or
strange methods of punishment when we got the answers
wrong. They made us memorize insane amounts of facts,
the state capitals, verses of the Bhagvad Gita, and forced us
to recite them in front of their friends. In our eyes and in
our hearts, we slowly became their medals. Just that,
nothing else. Any accomplishment we made they - used as
a tool to show their friends how well they were raising us.
Of course, everything we did could never have been done
on our own merit, it was all their doing. In public we had
to be the perfect little submissive toy robots. Speaking
when spoken to, immaculate, polite, never offering opinion,
sitting quietly. After all if we acted up, what would
everyone think??
We were always being put down, told how we were not
good enough, how incredibly stupid we were if we ever got
a 'B'. You would mock us and even laugh about us to your
friends sometimes in front of us because we were not like
so-and-so's child. "See how good Sheela is - she speaks
Gujarati and does puja with her mother every Sunday. She
still has 4.0 and she plays harmonium. Why can't you be
like her?" We grew to fear standing up to you, fear
speaking out against you, fear being hurt by you any further.
In high school, through the barrage of racism still being
dealt with from the idiots in our "perfect" schools, we had
to face other emotions. We started having strange feelings
of love. Everyone around us, everywhere around us people were
experiencing it but we could not. We had to suppress it.
It was wrong and horrible and would, of course - interfere
with our studies. Dating was thus out of the question, we
could not even see our friends outside of school too often
because again, then we would not be studying. You
were never really affectionate with us, and we could not
get it anywhere else so love became a foreign concept that
we could only dream of. Some of us found secret ways to have
all of this. Rebellion came into play. Lying to you became
second nature. All of our friends covered for us because
they were going through the same things. The ironic part of
this was that most of us who did end up dating on the
sly were somehow drawn to jerks and abusive relationships
due to the contradictions of our desire to date and our desire
to hold on to our Indian morals of staying with one person
and one person only for your entire life. Had we been
omfortable enough to discuss these things with our parents,
we may have made better decisions.
The duality in our lives grew further. We were told we
were not good enough yet expected to be the best. Women
were inferior servants that acted occasionally as punching
bags yet we were expected to be strong. Our mothers were
housewives, we were expected to be doctors. Our fathers
were kings of their castle and domineering but we were
inferior. When young men grew up they were to take on
those roles, yet they were faced with equality in the real
world. We were taught to hate everyone who was different
from us, darker than us, yet we were being laughed at by
those same people and everyone else because we were
different. We had a Christmas Tree in our house next to
our Ganapati Statue and threw a picnic every 4th of July.
The years and years of confusion passed with more
suppressed rage and contempt, but with the thought that
one day we would be free from all this oppression and
double-standards.
Now, in college, out from under your tight grip, able to
express ourselves without being ostracized, able to hang out
with our friends -- the only people we could turn to with
problems -- 24 hours a day! The uninhibited dating started,
the drinking started, the drugs started, the abuse started.
Everything we were denied, we craved. We were exposed
to the same pressures everyone else was -- including
partying, drinking, and sex -- and some of us succumbed to
at least one if not all of them. Freedom? No. We came
home what seemed like every weekend. Studies suffered.
We realized what being a true individual was. We may have
made mistakes, but we knew we could learn from them and
not repeat them. We realized the entire scope of what was
out there in the world waiting for us. We discovered our
true calling, even if, God-forbid, it was different from what
you had wanted for us. We lived life, not feared or
drudged through it. We were finding the road to happiness.
My advice is this: Look at yourself and ask if the way you
think, act, and speak towards your friends and children is
really what you feel is right or what you think should be
right. Realize that you are in a completely different world
from where you lived growing up. Times have changed and
you have to adjust.
To those of you with younger children, try to understand
some of their fears and embarrassment and try to teach them
PRIDE. Instill in them a sense of humor. Let your kids
know how much they mean to you and show it. There is no
such thing as too much love. Praise does such
wonders to a child's self-esteem. Pay attention to your
childs health. Self-destructiveness can be achieved in any
number of ways, namely eating disorders or drug abuse.
TEACH your children those aspects of language, culture,
religion that you think they would enjoy/appreciate. Do not
mock them when they do not understand certain things.
Explain. How else are they supposed to learn of it all -- in
their American schools?
You should never have any expectations of anyone but
yourself. The pressure you put on a child to act a certain
way or get that 'A' can be so detrimental.
The most important thing -- and probably the hardest thing
to ever try and understand is that we, as children, as
humans, as Indians, as Americans, and as young adults,
need to grow. We need you to step back and let us feel like
an individual. We need to be given choices in life and need
to make those choices for ourselves. We have to be able to
make mistakes and learn form them. We cannot go from
being your child to being someone's spouse. We need time
for us and we need you to let go.
Be open-minded. You may not always agree with what we
do and you may not even like it, but inhibiting us from
doing things will only foster resentment. We are not going
to get raped or married if we go on one date. Trust us,
allow us to choose what is right/wrong. We are not horrible
people. We are, after all, your children.
The key to life is happiness. If you take that away from
your children and they have no way of getting it back, it
may be too late to do anything about it. All of your children
are responsible, intelligent people, but not all can be
doctors, lawyers or engineers. Some were meant to be
artists, poets, writers, actors, businessmen, teachers, etc.
Find out early what your children's desires are and help
encourage and guide them. We are your children. We are
brilliant and we can be anything we want to be. But WE
have to want it.
If you try to take what I have said to heart and work things
through with your children, please understand that they are
human. They will want to forgive and forget. But that
would take the ability to put 20+ years of bottling that all in
behind them. I have done it, so I know it can be done. It
will just take time. And the differences may not be
completely resolved. Your hatred of black people,
Muslims, Pakistanis, homosexuals, and fear of us
associating with them is so foreign to us. We base
all of our friendships on what is on the inside. Your
prejudice and bigotry is something we may never accept.
If one of our peers had those ideals, we would never be
their friend, so it is hard for us to try and put that part of
you aside and still love you. But we can try.
Now, though, we even cannot be afraid to say how we feel,
especially if it is about something that disagrees with you.
Do not dismiss us as "being too young or idealistic".
You cannot have this God complex-- you are not
omnipotent by any means and maybe you can learn a thing
or two from us about humanity.
In conclusion, I think ultimately we all want the same thing--
respect. You parents want both our respect for being
the ones who raised us as the elder generation, and our
understanding that you love us and do what you do to better
our lives. We children know that and are grateful for that.
But we also demand respect for our views and ideals and
individuality that we can run our own lives. If we find some
sort of medium then maybe healthy relationships can be
formed, love will prevail, and happiness will help keep our
community not only surviving, but thriving.
Commentary by Sunil Khushalani:
I was reminded of an article that I read recently by a
psychoanalyst Salman Akhtar(1) dealing with immigration and how it affects our Identity. Quoting from his article:
'The country of origin is idealized, the new culture devalued. For
an East-to-West immigrant, this often gives rise to the idea that Western culture is characterized by greed, sexual promiscuity, violence, and disregard of generational boundaries; the Eastern, by contentment, instinctual restraint, love, humility, and respect for both young and old. For a West-to-East immigrant, a similar splitting of object representations yields a view of the East as riddled with indolence, filth, superstition, subservience, and a pathetic withering of instincts; the West as industrious, conscientious, orderly, instinctually gratifying, and encouragement of self-actualization.'
After discussing the article with a second generation Indian
psychiatrist in America, I came to realize that while the parent may think like the 'East-to-West immigrant', the child who has been brought up in this country may think like a 'West-to-East immigrant' and one can imagine the conflicts when two such opposing, polarized views clash.
A much larger issue, is that of a relative lack of discussion on
psychological or behavioural issues in the popular media of Indian origin (a lack of psychological mindedness?(2)). It is very hard to find well written essays or articles on psychological issues in the popular(or even professional) text based media. On the other hand,
it is easy to find articles on parapsychology, the occult, the spiritual-somehow exclusively representing the gamut of 'internal' processes-which are again interpreted in various idiosyncratic ways. I wonder whether this is the cause or the effect of a paucity of a very limited discussion on psychological issues amongst people.
In India and many of the Oriental countries, the individual wishes come second to the wishes of the family or community. Hence conflicts get resolved by the family in the favour of the entire family or community and away from the wishes of the individual. The phrase 'Log kya kahenge' elucidates and expedites this process. The control that families exercise is tremendous. Some families even discourage people from going to mental health workers; we hear a lot about the stigma associated with mental illness, but what we don't hear much about, is that, families would not like giving up that control.In some families, Gurus and Swamis are preferred to mental health workers, as they in turn, reinforce the conflict in favour of the family and the community. They tend to keep their
disciples in a regressed position(3), keeping the individual autonomy at bay. We see quite commonly in films and around us, how when someone is choosing a career or partner that is not agreeable to the family, he or she would be taken to the Guru or Swami, who could talk to the person, so that he or she makes the 'correct' decision. Gurus say, observe, introspect, learn more about yourself, but the method is quite elusive, abstract, esoteric and escapes the great majority.The advice for those who can't cope with the method prescribed is, try harder, have faith. Half of the followers are in complete unquestioning awe and the other half is quite
cynical about the whole thing.
Salman Akhtar (1) suggests, resolution of these conflicts in each
individual ( that arise consequently to immigration and its effects)
towards development, once immigrants undergo psychic travel
1) from love or hate to ambivalence, 2) from near or far to optimal distance, 3) from "yesterday" or "tomorrow" to "today," and 4) from mine or yours to ours.
The intergenerational conflicts will resolve only in an mutually empathic environment that allows communication, where individuals involved are as self-critical as they are critical of other.
I hope this 'Manifesto of an Indian-American' starts a snowball
effect and enables a discussion that has been brewing in the minds of
individual youth (why only youth?), covertly.
REFERENCES
1. Salman Akhtar. "A third individuation: Immigration, Identity,
and the Psychoanalytic process." Journal of American Psychoanalytic Association. 1995: pages 1051-1084
2. Salman Akhtar. Broken Stuctures: Severe Personality Disorders and their Treatment ( New Jersey: Jason Aronson Inc., 1992)
chap. 10.
3. Sudhir Kakar. The Analyst and the Mystic: Psychoanalytic Reflections on religion and Mysticism ( New Delhi: Viking 1991) chap. 2.